On My Own
by Chagrins
Summary: The letter that Shinichi writes to Ran right before his death makes it impossible for her to ever move on from her first and only love. In time what is to come of Ran? Will she ever feel complete once more?
1. Shinichi's Letter

Disclaimer: I do not own Detective Conan/Case Closed... or Les Miserables...

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On My Own

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PART 1

"Dear Ran,

If you're reading this.. I'm afraid it's too late. Too late for me... too late for Conan. Yes, you've heard right. We're both gone now. Long gone. God, I just wish I could've told you this in person. But I know that I'm not going to make it.

Sigh. Ran? Do you know what you mean to me? I was never able to show it. Well, when I had that ability I never did because... I was an idiot! And then... Ran.. things changed and I was finally able to see things from a different perspective. I was able to see things more from your point of view. I think I've known you all along.. But there was a point where everything changed and I could see a side of you I'd never seen in all of my life. Conan was that possibility. Yes, you were smart enough to pick up on it at a few points in time.. that I was Conan. First time I admitted it, ne? But then I found a way to prove otherwise in order to lead you away from your conviction.. because deep down I knew that you shouldn't know. Maybe I was foolish? But at least this way you were never threatened. It would've hurt everyone, Ran, if you or anyone else knew! There were men that poisoned me.. They forced me to drink some experimental potion.. And I was afraid if anyone ever knew my true identity, it'd be spread around.. And those men would come back and kill everyone that I was close to. I didn't want them ever touching you, Ran, that's how much you mean to me..."

She looked down at the crumpled slip of paper. There were drops of newly fallen tears all over it. A few aged bloodstains covered a few of the words, which always made it harder for her to read. Overall the handwriting was much sloppier than Shinichi had ever written, whether as Conan or as himself. And the one person she truly loved was gone. Just like that. He had always been there.. And she let him slip away from her..

More tears began to hit the paper.

And again for the millionth time she focused her eyes in on the grungy paper and began to continue on, reading lines she nearly had memorized.

"I always wanted to tell you, Ran. Always.. Every embrace, every touch... though they were all meant for Conan the elementary schooler.. Ran, I tried so hard to tell you that I, Shinichi, the real me, was still around there waiting for you. I wanted to get back to normal as soon as I could and tell you how I truly felt about you, from the moment I found out that you had feelings for me, too. Yes, call it despicable that I would find out about your feelings as another person, but they were mutual, Ran! I never intended to find out anything from you...

God, I love you..

I used this potion to reverse the effects. I tried turning back into Shinichi for you. I'm dying, Ran. This potion didn't work. I was supposed to inject it... though that thought scared me, it was the only way.. and it did partially work; I'm back again in my real body. But I can feel myself getting fainter and fainter with every moment that passes. I think I'm bleeding to death, I can see the blood.. though that doesn't make any sense, now does it?

Dr. Agasa warned me about this... but I took no heed to the possible negative effects of the potion. And look at me now. I always lived dangerously.. And now I can't return to you in any form. I despise myself for such a selfish act. I should have realized that as long as I was there for you in one form, that was all that mattered. I wish you were here... and if you were I would have no problem telling you all of this... and holding you for one last time..

But... ah.. It's funny what death brings out in a person, isn't it? All of these things I never would've imagined telling you.. Not yet, anyways. And here I am, dying, pouring my heart out to you in words.

I.. should probably stop writing now.. before I start talking nonsense.

But how do I end this? I guess one of the only things I have left to say is that I want you to promise to me and to yourself that you'll move on with your life. We're 18 years old.. and you have the rest of your life to live. I'll always look down on you no matter where I go.. just take care of yourself, please. I'll be waiting for you one day…

Good-bye, Ran..

-Shinichi"

Ran folded the paper and slid it into a drawer beside her. She got up from the table she sat at, and went outside to take a walk. This was what usually went down. Tonight, though, a song stuck in her head...

Sometimes I walk alone at night  
When everybody else is sleeping I think of him and then I'm happy  
With the company I'm keeping  
The city goes to bed  
And I can live inside my head

On my own  
Pretending he's beside me  
All alone I walk with him 'til morning  
Without him, I feel his arms around me  
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me

I love him  
But when the night is over  
He is gone  
The river's just a river  
Without him, the world around me changes  
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers

I love him  
I love him  
I love him

But only on my own...

------

She looked off into the distance..

"Ran..." A voice called out to her gently...

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Note: I do realize that Eponine is the one that actually dies in Les Mis... and though this song inspired this fic.. things aren't exactly the way they happened in Les Mis... basically I just got the mood from the song, lol. And, as you guys might agree, it seems like something Ran might be thinking, yes?

Hope you guys enjoy! It's my first fic in a long while...

-Chagrins


	2. Truly on her own

Note: Since people seem to have enjoyed this fic... I came around to the idea of continuing it.. and actually kinda had an idea for what should come next... heheh.. Enjoy!

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On My Own

Part 2: Truly On Her Own

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"I find that what I loved first I loved the most" -Thomas Jefferson

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"Ran.." A man appeared behind her, startling the hell out of her, "There you are! I've been looking everywhere.. come here!" He slowly pulled her towards him, and reached down to give her a kiss. She didn't know what it was, but every time she read Shinichi's letter she always remembered too much about her past feelings. It was as if she had moved on every other day of her life to the point where she could be serious with another man.. but then one look at that letter and in any relationship she was in at the time she would realize that the only man she had ever loved was the writer of that letter. When her soon-to-be husband kissed her at that moment, she realized he was yet another that she didn't truly love.

"Oh, hello, I didn't mean to get you so worried.." As they parted, she grew embarrassed knowing that a man she had felt strongly for just hours earlier she no longer could seem to concentrate on. Sometimes this really confused her. If this is what would happen, then should she really keep the letter, tempting herself with the desire to read it every now and then? It seemed to ruin any relationship she ever had each time it was read by her. Was it that Shinichi was the only one out there for her and that she should forget about him and move on, accepting that she'd only love the next person to a certain extent? Or was it that there was another person out there for her and it was just that these guys she had been seeing weren't right for her? It was times like these (after reading his letter) that she felt like bursting out in tears. Why did he have to be gone? What could she have done to have changed that?

"Darling, what were you doing out here so late?" Though he used such a pet name as that, and certain things really made her happy to be with this man, he was just like the rest. He was only a part of Shinichi. And she doubted that any other man could steal away her heart as well as he had. There was just some un-place-able factor that always made her love Shinichi so long as his dying words were there with her. They were a constant reminder of her past, and what she had had so long ago. Her greatest wish was to go back in time and live those precious moments all over again, just to be with him. You never realize what you take for granted until it's gone. And that is the biggest cliché in the world until it actually happens to you.

"I needed a breath of fresh air.." She seemed distant and cold.

"I see.. But you were gone for such a long time." He drew her face up to look him in the eyes. Ran tried desperately to find a person that she truly loved in those eyes, but nothing seemed soothing to her in their look. She tried to think of the person before her and latch on to those things that she liked in someone. In other words (though she hated to admit this to herself), she was trying to grasp the bits and parts of Shinichi that this man had inside of him...

Nothing.

"Ran... Are you all right? Please, tell me everything is all right.." He seemed to really care about her, didn't he? And this would be the place where she would realize what she was doing and come back down to reality. She would forget about the letter that she had placed in her pocket, and remember the times she had had with this man. All of their present problems and what they were involved with would come back to her. And she would realize, as with all of the others, that there were certain things that tied her to this particular man for the time being. Though it was at this point that no matter how she allowed her love to grow for this man, it was all downhill. Even though feelings seemed to always resurface shortly after this, there was no longer any promise in them. All hope was lost.

She always wondered whether it was the same with any of the men she ever dated. Or if they ever suspected this of her. Well, they must have at a certain point.

Sometimes she was just so frustrated. If it weren't for Shinichi she wouldn't even have those moments where she longed for someone. Heh, someone! Those moments where she longed for him.. though seeking him in the form of another. There were times where she thought all was lost. But she knew that even when someone you really love dies you shouldn't think like that. That was her reasoning in the first place for needing someone else. Once you have someone like Shinichi in your life you don't know how to live without it. She thought that finding someone else like him would remove the sadness from within her soul. But no one will ever be him.

And it was only when she read his letter. Otherwise, after a few months of being completely over him again she would think she was ready for someone new. And then she would naturally find someone and be all over them, and even possibly think she was in love. And think that finally she could at once get over Shinichi..

But never did her love for Shinichi not win out against the others... And it was after a few times of reading his letter and experiencing these feelings that she realized what true love was. Though up until his death she knew that she really cared for him, just how much she could never determine. Once he 'left' she obviously realized that continual hope for him to return must have meant something, but once she knew for sure that he would never be back, she was left devastated. The problem was he still hadn't left her heart...

She felt so lonely after reading that letter. It was as if it made her realize everything about herself... which to her was a horrible truth. She couldn't even speak to a friend about her feelings during these times; she had no desire to. Her only desire was Shinichi.

She was truly on her own.

In the current moment, she looked at the man next to her and grabbed his hand.

"Let's go home, honey." The man didn't notice the tears that lined her tiny cheeks as they walked home that night; Shinichi would have.

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End note: Damn.... I just got so much out about how I was feeling.. And I feel so much better now. My feelings live through my story...

Ah.. Just when you think there couldn't possibly be anymore... just you wait!


	3. Loneliness and the Death of Shinichi

Notes: Okay, don't mind the first few paragraphs.. kinda repetitive, I know! But.. I had to think of something to lead into what I wanted to have happen in this chapter. You'll like it… TRUST ME!

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On My Own 

Part 3 – Loneliness and Shinichi's Death

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MARIUS  
Eponine, what's wrong? I feel...  
There's something wet upon your hair 

(There is blood on his hands)

Eponine, you're hurt  
You need some help!

Oh God, it's everywhere....

* * *

Ran absentmindedly glared at the television that blinked from one frame to another. It gave off a lulling effect, which made her eyes feel heavy and helpless. She was in her bed with all of the other lights in her apartment shut off, therefore leaving only the light of the TV, which caused her to grow tiresome and lonely all at the same time. It was almost as if she could lose herself within those sets of lights that blinked back at her. The programming failed to catch her attention. Ran was lost in her own thoughts, doing little more than realizing that the lights coincided with her in her room at that very moment. She never seemed to watch television for the sake of understanding it these days, for TV had just become her bridge to escape in the night hours before bed; it had merely a phantasmal effect on the brain that brought her deep within herself. Or perhaps she was just a sad woman in her mid-20's that often cried at night, all alone in the darkness… and though she failed to watch it, TV made the place feel more alive. And she could allow in some happiness.. knowing that life still existed outside of her own home. 

On the surface, this depression was not really because of Shinichi. In fact, the thing she most saw inside of her was general loneliness. And sometimes it was even because another guy she had been dating had dumped her. She had a problem with her emotions; though primarily each relationship ended with her realizing she didn't authentically love the man, she would latch on to the idea of having them around. When it came to a time where she felt she should let go, this was always too hard for her. And then in the end they would let her go, and somehow manage to really hurt her. Either they would start to see that she wasn't as interested as she should be, or they would just lose interest in her themselves. I guess that's how it is with time.

This really made her start to question whether or not she was a good person. Everyone always lost interest in her…. Well, maybe it's only fair since she initially lost interest in them. But still.. it made her wonder whether or not she was worth anyone's time.. It constantly seemed as if Shinichi was the only guy who ever loved her for exactly who she was. And she knew that Shinichi's feelings for her were the only true feelings she had ever gotten out of anyone. He was the only one who had ever loved her.

When someone dumped her, usually her feelings were on the verge of being nonexistent for that person by the time they did it. Someone might think that this would make it very easy for her to get over them, but for some reason Ran had a big problem with being let go. All of a sudden when the guy would dump her she would get really sad and the feelings for that person would start to come back to their peak. She never knew whether this was normal or if certain things in her life had taught her to be like this, but whatever the case was she would hurt for such a long time and not want to let go of the person. It was only when she found someone else that she could forget about the previous person. Then the present person would consume all of her thoughts and time.. until she re-read her letter, that is. Then the hidden love for Shinichi would re-appear.. and the love for her current boyfriend, or fiancé, or whatever would just fade completely. And the process would repeat time and again. But no matter what it always left her in pain in the end..

She thought it was sick that she always had to have a boyfriend. But.. ever since Shinichi's death, having a boyfriend was really the only thing to keep her from going into a depressive mode about him. Well, a depressive mode about him, family, and anything else that had ever gone wrong in her life. At this present moment she had no friends, family, or anything that she could talk to. So maybe it really wasn't that she needed a boyfriend.. rather she just needed someone to talk to and always tried to find it in the form of a male? Or maybe it was that, above all, no one ever made her feel more complete than Shinichi...

It was on this night by her TV that she allowed herself to think more thoroughly of Shinichi's death for once, years and years after it had happened. Doctors had told her that it was unhealthy to think about him constantly, so from around the time of his death and on she had always pushed the thought of him away for the most part. Though there were definite times she thought about him, and also definite times where she re-read his letter, she found that the only way to be assured that she wouldn't always think about him was to at least attempt to push the thought of him away. In the end it was the only thing that allowed her to get over the fact that he would never be back in her life.

Her eyes closed, as she reminisced of the day that ended all of her joy. They say that in hind sight you can see things more clearly; well, as an optimist at that time, she was never one to judge that the day of his death would be an end to all of her happiness, but looking back, in truth, it was.

* * *

Ran was undergoing an ordinary day, just as we all are when we find someone that we truly care about dead on the bathroom floor. And she wouldn't have thought to look in the bathroom suspiciously for anything, if it hadn't been for the trail of blood that lead her to her destination.. 

And there she found him, blood coming out of one of his arms, the trail coming to a big pool right beneath him and that arm. Without thinking she rushed down and hugged his body to hers, tears immediately coming out of her eyes. She seemed unaware of what had happened, and really couldn't think about any of that right now. All she knew was what she saw. All she felt was love for someone she thought could be dying. No, at this point the thought of Shinichi's death hadn't crossed her mind. She just felt pain knowing that he was in pain..

"Shin…" She couldn't even finish, that was how badly she was choked up with tears.

"Ran.. I can barely speak." His voice was soft, "Though I can see you can't really either." A small smile came to his face, as he took the stronger of his two hands and began to stroke her hair, "I'm glad that I got to see you for one last time. I owe at least this much to you.. I'm sorry for all of this."

"But.. why… how did you…" She realized that one of his arms was bleeding and looked around her for something to stop it. There wasn't really anything she could do though to keep him from death.. quickly thinking she said, "I'll call Dr. Agasa! We're going to pull you through this!"

"I already did that, Ran.." Tears were in his eyes as well as hers, "Please just stay here for now.." They were lying on the bathroom floor, embraced.. Shinichi weakly brought her head up and slowly brought her lips towards his. He shakily did this, and she had to help him for he grew weaker and weaker as the moments passed. Finally their lips touched. Ran was almost too confused with how she had found him to know what she was feeling. Though there were definite emotions crossing her mind. Pain? Yes. Happiness? In certain ways.. Regret? No, never regret..

**Love**?

Their kiss held out. Shinichi pulled her to himself tightly, as if he never wanted to let go. He was finally where he wanted to be. And she finally felt complete. Despite his condition, she felt privileged to even have this moment with him. He was everything to her.

So yes, definitely love, above everything else.

In Shinichi's dying moments he knew with all of his heart that he loved her. The kiss merely brought them together. But maybe it takes a dying man to really know just how strong his emotions are.

He pressed his lips to hers even harder now. Ran could see that he was using the last of his energy to connect with her like that.. and so eventually she broke it. She needed to talk to him with that energy, not kiss him.

"Shinichi.. please don't leave me." She was still crying, there was a sudden realization that he was coming to a death that hit her now for the first time. The kiss had only soothed her tears and consoled her for a short time, "If you called Agasa.. then he should be on his way, right? How long have you been here?"

"Ran.. I love you."

She began to break down, "But that doesn't answer my question!!" She seemed as if she would throw a fit… her hand began to burn with frustration and pain, though she could feel nothing in the heat of her determination to save Shinichi. "Dammit.. I love you with all of my heart… but when is Agasa getting here?"

"I'm dying, Ran.. I'm just happy that I could see you… I needed this. No, more importantly, you needed this. You needed to know just how much I care for you.. you needed to know that I'll always be with you. It doesn't matter where I go, Ran. I promise you that I'll be watching over you.. I'm too close to you now to ever let go.. no matter what form or shape I'm in, and also no matter where I end up. I'll always go back to you. You just need to admit it to yourself that my time is up in this body and in this place."

She got off of him for a second, and helped sit him up. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and laid her head against his chest. Still crying..

Shinichi took a tissue from the ledge beside them in the bathroom and wiped away her tears. It was shortly after that his arms fell back to his sides, and he began to lose the strength to sit up against the ledge of the bathtub that Ran had sat him against, and he slipped down to the floor. All Ran could do was cry longer and brush her hands through his hair.. though it could do nothing, the touch of his hair seemed to be her only hope that he wouldn't die.. or, even if he would, that all of this time he had been there, alive and well, just not with her. It proved that he had at least been alive through it all...

She leaned down and placed her lips upon his.. she felt him kiss her back a few times and she continued to kiss, and then, finally, she went to kiss him and there was nothing in return. She sat up just then, panicking. Deep eyes stared back at her.. and she felt as if she could lose herself within them forever..

"I love you…" was the last thing that barely escaped his lips, and then his eyes closed. Her bridge to happiness collapsed. She shut down. And everything else that happened that day felt like a dream… her body seemed frozen and unable to move.

Eventually Dr. Agasa did arrive, along with a dozen other paramedics. Ran was taken away from Shinichi, and she watched as some men brought in a stretcher, and placed him on the rigid board, before placing a white sheet over the dead body. And then she endured watching them take away her one and only love...

It was only later the doctors at a nearby hospital who had examined the body had found the letter that Shinichi had in his pocket. Ha! Clever Shinichi knew that they'd find it after discovering his dead body. And when Ran read it, things seemed to make sense, yet it devastated her even more.

In actuality, it was the death of two people that she loved. One person she wanted to marry someday. The other person she bonded with as if he were her own son. Though they were the same, she saw them so differently up until Shinichi's death, that it might as well have been the death of two people that she loved.

Nothing ever was the same again for her. It was as if the Ran she knew just died right along with Shinichi.

* * *

Ran came to and realized that her TV was still on. It was two in the morning and she had work in three hours. Heh. Such luck. She clicked it off and darkness took hold of the atmosphere. 

Darkness that still clouded her mind..

* * *

EPONINE  
Don't you fret, M'sieur Marius  
I don't feel any pain  
A little fall of rain  
Can hardly hurt me now  
You're here, that's all I need to know  
And you will keep me safe  
And you will keep me close  
And rain will make the flowers grow. 

MARIUS  
But you will live, 'Ponine - dear God above,  
If I could heal your wounds with words of love.

EPONINE  
Just hold me now, and let it be.  
Shelter me, comfort me

MARIUS  
You would live a hundred years  
If I could show you how  
I won't desert you now...

EPONINE  
The rain can't hurt me now  
This rain will wash away what's past  
And you will keep me safe  
And you will keep me close  
I'll sleep in your embrace at last.

The rain that brings you here  
Is Heaven-blessed!  
The skies begin to clear  
And I'm at rest  
A breath away from where you are  
I've come home from so far  
So don't you fret, M'sieur Marius

I don't feel any pain  
A little fall of rain  
Can hardly hurt me now

That's all I need to know  
And you will keep me safe  
And you will keep me close

* * *

Like? Hate? Comments? Suggestions? Okay, at this point I know exactly where this story is headed… and yes, surprisingly, THIS WILL have a happy ending!! Just promise you'll trust me and keep reading, yes? 

-Chagrins


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